We can do small talk, we just don't want to
Published 27 September 2024. Written by Leeds Autism Practice Staff.
Traditional models of autism say that autistic individuals struggle with small talk. But is that the case? Or are we simply concentrating on more important things?
Old stereotypes
Traditional views of autism suggest that autistic individuals lack basic social communication skills and struggle with the casual and spontaneous nature of small talk.
Autistic individuals are viewed through a deficit lens of feeling awkward and not knowing what they are expected to say.
Like most stereotypes, there is often a grain of truth to this. However, it does not factor in the full spectrum of autistic experience or modern theories of autism.
Thinking deeply
Monotropism suggests that monotropic (autistic) individuals concentrate their attention on a smaller range of topics than polytropic (neurotypical) people do.
For polytropic individuals, it feels perfectly natural to swap between trivial topics such as the weather, travel, local events and popular media. They do not feel the need to reflect deeply on any of these topics.
In contrast, monotropic individuals can find it more challenging to constantly switch topics but think more deeply about the topics they choose.
Take the all-time favourite small talk topic, weather, as an example. Do you casually mention it for something to say? Or would you put it into a wider context of global weather systems and climate breakdown and the short-term and long-term consequences for local, national and international social structures?
If the answer is "just something to say", chances are you may be neurotypical. If you are more likely to think about the latter, you may be autistic.
From small talk to big talk
Understanding it from a monotropic lens, we can now understand why autistic people may struggle with small talk. But we can also reframe it as a difference rather than a deficit.
Consider, for example, if the autistic person responds to the question about the weather with "Yes, a heatwave in October. Did you know 7 of the 10 hottest Octobers on record are within the last ten years? This is likely a result of climate breakdown that will leave the Earth's most populous areas uninhabitable, forcing mass migration that we will be ill-equipped to deal with due to our fragmentation into nation-states."
The small talk has been flipped around to big talk at this point, the neurotypical person is likely to feel overwhelmed. They may respond with "Wow, slow down there, this is too deep for 10 am, I need coffee first." This could be viewed as an attempt to bring the conversation back to a more superficial level, allowing the neurotypical person to self-regulate.
To briefly summarise so far, we could say that autistic individuals do not have a deficit in small talk skills, but rather a preference for big talk. Neurotypical individuals, on the other hand, prefer small talk to big talk.
Why do small talk anyway?
At this point, we should ask the question "What is the point of small talk?" What function does it serve?
The answer may lie in evolutionary psychology. We are naturally tribal and survive in packs: humans need to form relationships with others to survive and thrive. We also needed to effectively determine who was a friend and who was an enemy.
Therefore, we all inherently attune to others' attitudes towards us and fear being excluded from the tribe because historically this would mean not surviving. Emotions like loneliness and shame help regulate our behaviour and drive us back to connection with others. We subtly but continuously monitor others to check we are wanted and valued.
One of the ways we do this is through reciprocal social communication such as small talk. I make a friendly comment about the weather. You reciprocate with another friendly comment. We have mutually assured each other that we are on speaking terms and included in the social circle, giving us a sense of belongingness.
Feeling part of the tribe
Traditional views of autism suggested that autistic individuals preferred to be alone. More recent research has challenged this. However, there does seem to be a difference in how we seek belongingness.
Neurotypical individuals often constantly monitor others' facial expressions, tone, and engagement in small talk as a way to validate their belongingness.
Autistic individuals seem less likely to do this. They may seek a sense of belongingness in other ways, or gain belongingness from a smaller number of closer relationships, or may simply feel less of a need to experience belongingness.
While the exact mechanisms for this are poorly understood, a lack of small talk does not bother autistic individuals to the same level that it does bother neurotypical people.
Conclusion
Neurotypical individuals typically enjoy small talk because it matches their polytropic thinking style and plays an important role in fulfilling their need for belongingness.
Autistic individuals typically prefer big talk because it matches their monotropic thinking style, and because small talk plays a smaller role in fulfilling their need for belongingness.